Iv been spoken to like I was nothing; being told that I haven’t been trying hard enough. That my excuses aren’t good enough and that I wont amount to anything. I thought I would never see anyone other then someone on television ever been talk to like that. But tonight I have and for the first time I didn’t react I did and said nothing. I stood still for a little bit and then got angry. Wanting to throw and hit the person in the face. Then I felt sad and had flashbacks of the day I was that person sitting taking it all in all the hurtful words. I felt even worse when I started to hear them cry but felt a sense of courage for them. See I would of ran and yelled get out/go away. But they just sat their for 45 min being told these horrible things and I wish I had their courage to sit there and take it but I ran and retaliated. I have never imagined someone saying the hurtful cruel words that were spoken to me be told to someone els. Feather more I can’t believe I stood by. But I have all the intentions of telling them how brave and strong they were to sit there and take it. How I they are worth it and how much they deserve the respect they need from someone. Not to hear the negativity from someone that truly has the issues and who is what they describe others. I will and want to tell them how they don’t need someone like that in their life.
I felt like I found a part of my soul, with him. Like I was finally free nothing to care about, no work, rules, or worries. It was all about the adventure and living life. But at some points in the moment when I looked at him really looked at him I didn’t really know who he was, at some moments I saw the old him. Just real but so fake, I never noticed how fake he was all I saw how free he was but never did I realize how trapped and lost he was with himself.I failed to see that I just wanted to feel and act just as free as he did. I felt so close to him real because all my life its been me. From swimming, making my lunch, walking to and home from school, making my own choices with no help. Not having to many friends to having to close of friends that I eventually get scared of. To going out with complete assholes so the attention isn’t on me cause that’s not who I am and what I’ am about. Even though at times I try to make the attention about me for once but truth is that its not me. That I missed my childhood freedom but my adult one has yet to come, along with the right one. I cant and should feel ashamed of being/feeling so trapped in a life that saw with him and start to believe that it was the choice I had to make. The right one. So ill go back work, school, just me because its right and okay.
Today I found out some interesting news, one that I already knew but avoided the signs the question, to what’s going on? Then she said it…. the words iv never heard anyone else say out loud other then an actor/actress say. But the words that killed me the worst was that she said she knew she needed help. She knew. She wanted to get better.
And at that point I felt so discussed at my self. Because I don’t, I don’t see a point.
That’s the difference between me and her the big common difference. She’s so much stronger and caring of herself and the ones around her.
I feel like my life’s becoming a lie and somewhat unfamiliar to me. If she only knew I know exactly how it feels, I just don’t want help, don’t see the need, don’t care about myself that much to admit. Because these lies are taking over my mind body and soul.
<3 UJ <3
I miss the way you tell me how beautiful I look, how smart and proud you are of me. I can’t help but miss you smile the way you hugged me. I miss your laugh, you’re love. It’s gonna be a year in the spring I can’t believe it. and I find myself missing you more and more each day. I can’t help but find little/big things that reminds me of you. I miss you and can’t believe you’ll never get o see me at school. I can’t help but be so angry at myself for not being there for you. I let my fear come over me and I suffered the alitmite punishment. But I don’t know, I didn’t know how bad it was. Bu it’s no excuse and now I fear the worst. I feel like something big is going to happen to someone close to me again. I don’t know if I can bare it. I’am not as strong as I once was, and now I don’t know if I can go threw this thing again whatever form it comes in.
<3 Never Forgotten and All Ways In My Heart<3
Finding Love and Losing Love
I found him, the one I thought didn’t exist.
I never believed in love, never in happiness.
But when I’am with him I feel it all.
Than ran from it all, I ran from him.
Wounds opened and pain spilled out all over again.
Our worst fears got the best of us both.
But what hurts the most is finding him an knowing tat it can’t be.
Not seeing the future I want, the that I wished for with him.
Trying to figure things out, changing the outcome too become a better one.
But knowing that I have to let him go, Because I shouldn’t have to change or make it work it just should.
Knowing what I have to do and say is the hardest goodbye I’ll ever have too.
And never knowing if I’ll be able to see, hear, touch, or sence his presents, body or soul.
I’ve never had to do this and I had hoped I wouldn’t have too but it looks like I have to.
Now the hardest part is living wit the choices I’ve made, living without the one.
Never knowing what happened to him or after it all that’s been said an done.
No Such Thing…..
so what do you want me to say? what do you want me to do? iam done being nice iam done caring about anything or one. i dont believe in firytales, hope, paciently waiting, love, truth,faith just about anthing whats the point. Giving any of this brings nothing nothing but pain and loss. so ill move on… just me and bubba well run to find anything anything and anyone thats not been in my past and prasent. So ill leave firsst thing in th morning, in my invisible car with bubba in the backseat and my books and humpty in the passenger seat. Going where no one knows but me untle i put the breaks on. ill fnd a place a motel at first giveing what ever money i have in my pocket, get a job at a local reasturant and work for as long as i can for aslong as i want. get a nice place o live when i get the money and every febuary take a vacation to an exotic place. of course leaving bubba with a close coworker friend and call in ever other morning, to make sure hes being well takin care of. So after two weeks to roam around, feel free and no worries bout what happeends next. so ill cme back to a life iv made work to one that ill be satisfied with cus this one…. it isnt one. not one that i woud of ever wanted. so ill dream dream of the daythat i can drive….drive away till i run outta gas and find a place of peace and freedom.
These drugs they only last for so long. The numbness of the pain always comes back and the reality of it all is pretty clear. And weakness always prevails. I long for the day of fearless emotions where nothing can hole us back, where bravery concurs all. But there’s nothing like hope to steer us in the right direction. But it’s only with us for so long until the wait becomes to long for us. But for now the drugs will do and I still got my hope.
Had Me At Hello
You had me at hello,
You give me butterfly’s
What have I gotten myself into
I know i know i swore that I wouldn’t fall
Fall all over again.
But this is so different it seems so real.
So I’ll hold on as tight as I can too u!
Because your worth it all to me!
Don’t ask me how or why?!
I just am….it just is.
So let it be, take one last chance.
Because the truth is… I love you!
My Wish… Oh how sweet it was while it lasted.
Iv fell in love the feelings the moments the words and actions. The only thing that stops it all is the timing the past the fear above all fear. I can’t help but feel nothing but disappointment. All I know is that the feeling words and actions were real. The only thing in my life that was ever real. So I got my wish… The wish of fallin… Fallin in love. Oh how I will never forget not regret the things that happed with my one true love.Cus I know the timing past and fear will one day end the love that is but oh how I will cherish it all till the very end. True love 10:50 pm Nov 20 2012 2 months
Speaking The Truth.
Do you think that what people say is really true. Sober or not? I mean think about it really. You say it because you mean it. If you never meant or thought about it then you would of never said it. It’s okay tho because the truth heals one. It is for me, nothings changed for me no emotions not what I want, just how I view the other.