I am afraid that am becoming somebody else; someone I am not. Iv always worried that id change into somebody that id hate. That would treat the ones closest to me like I am living a double life. I hate the angry, unhappy, weak person that iv hidden away for so long, now that’s all iv been showing. I feel that all its doing is making things worse, Its making me feel worse. I feel so helpless, stupid, tired. I stopped my one reliever but picked up another. All around I feel fake the old me and the one iv tried too hide.
I feel in away worried; that I’am not doing enough, not going to be able to do well. Its weird I felt so calm, I felt like iv accomplished a huge thing but now I feel so lost. I had it all figured out and now….. I feel like I’am back to the drawing board. I feel as if I know what’s coming. It doesn’t seem bad but it mean leaving me behind along with what really makes me happy. I feel like in a way it would change everything and things will disappear. I mean I know it not forever but it just proves in some way iv failed, that they were right. Iam doing everything but how much more is it going to take. Its been long enough, even with a lot less effort but now I feel as if the pressures on.
I don’t understand it, after what I did and I roll over and the only thing he does is hug me after everything. I can’t do this too him, he’s too good. He’s perfect but maybe that’s why I’ve been running?. I can’t help but look at myself and then at him and wonder why. Why can’t I not be scared or be afraid to love or be loved, for that matter. I can’t help but really watch what and how I do things. But I can say this last night will never happen again! Because I’am not gonna be scare, I’am gonna love and be loved because if there’s anything I deserve it. I just hope I didn’t screw anything up that iv cherished.
I guess all it really is; is ignoring myself not cared enough,and once again hurting the the people I care about so much, How can I be so cold hearted.? I couldn’t help but turn the other cheek until now until iv realized that I’m being played, used after all. I’ve done but maybe that’s just it what have I done anything,? taking a hard look at things! And now all iam is angry, furious, and slightly stupid. So now… maybe its really time for me, just me time. I have things I need to get in order, I need to get my shit together. I guess she was right, just didn’t think id really be alone thought she isn’t even here. But I know she will all ways be, that’s what bffs/sister is.
I’ve got three weeks till the path that has already been paved for me turns into dirt. It’s funny I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time being able to build my own future of my choosing but I can’t help but feel so indifferent about it. I’m leaving so much behind; I mean I know I will always have a place to go back too but going back is the biggest thing, I don’t want to. Its way I left to begin with. I’m excited but so unsure of the path. Starting out is always hard and slow but it makes me wonder if I’m going to be okay, because it is really just me. I am finally on my own, I got what I wanted and now that I got what it I don’t know if it’s exactly what I want now though. It feels different then I thought it would I thought I’d feel more free and joyful but I feel confused and upset. I can’t see anything clearly anymore, everything’s a blur and I the only things I see clearly are the people that I know I want in my life. It’s funny for the first time I’ve finally chosen the right people in my life, it feels nice to be surrounded missed and too miss people that love and support you and your decisions, and I think I’ve kind of found a bit of love in this crazy new start of my life.
The choice in life are what most people see as being hard. But they shouldn’t be, making decision should be felt with your gut and long term. Because no matter how long you take to make a decision it’ll be the same as waiting and waiting to decide if it’s what you really want. Life’s too short to take time on silly things, you can feel so afraid all the time. Bravery is filled within alliances with one another so be someone’s hope for a better life a better day. It starts with you, over come that and you’ve all ready made your change on the world. Like everyone wishes they can do.
Now that it’s all said and done, there’s nothing but silence, no more worried anger sadness. There’s nothing but a sign of relief, reflected that all that’s on your mind is out, out to be solved to be listened out so you are free, and full of clarity. 10/18/08
So here we go again a new chapter in this crazy story I call life of love, hate, pain, secrets, the beginning a new chapter always starts out new and fresh. 9/28/08
Never thought that this could be happening to you and me; but I guess that just about anything is possible now that you’re moved on with isn’t me by your side. Ok well this is me and you left me ok well you’re loss as they all say to me so today going to start over and with or without you so today.
Look at her she’s got everything she wants but what I see is beyond that I see, I see this young girl dying inside full with drugs, drinking death I see her the real her the one crying out for help cause no one knows, all they see is her illusion she has a daskise to her, to be someone she’s not, so why does no one see the truth of the real girl the one dying well she’s never going to know if I don’t save her from herself so I think I’ll make my move. 11/01/07